By Ayesha DeRaville

I just don’t feel right. Something seems off. Some things just don’t make any sense to me. Actually, most things don’t. What is sense? I look around and see things. I sit by myself and I think things. I often ask myself, why do I think what I think. How do I even think? What am I saying? What are these words that I am saying? Where are they coming from? Where did I come from? Where do you come from? How is it that we are all here?

 I fear that someone may suspect what I am thinking. Someone that is not like us; whatever we are. But what is fear? What are the consequences? What is consequence? What does that all mean? If I get caught what will they do to me? Get caught? Caught? Captured. By whom? Who are they? Why would I get caught? Caught doing what?

 Is any of this real? Am I real? What is real? What does that mean? Is there something wrong with me? Who am I? What am I? Who are you? Why are we here?

 It’s a process. It’s all a process that we are a part of, right? We all have purpose because we all provide something. What is that something?

 Do you ever wonder why you are here? Do you ever think about what happens after you are gone? Once you leave? Another fills that place. What you no longer do someone else does. In actuality you are not gone in the grander scheme of things because you are just replaced. That purpose that was you is now replaced. So you as they see it are not really gone. Purpose is not gone, therefore, you are not gone.

 I sometimes fight sleep to change and break up the routine. But when I do fall asleep, I wake immediately because of the fear of not coming back from the darkness. You awake from total darkness to a reality that you question. When you sleep there is total darkness. But do you actually experience the darkness? When you wake up do you ever think about what happens during the darkness? The darkness of your eyes being closed for eight hours. Sleep.

 What is sleep? Is sleep darkness? When it is dark does it mean you are asleep? Can you see the dark? Does anyone actually sleep when in the dark? Are you still thinking in the dark? Is it like shutting off a computer monitor? Does the computer know that its monitor is shut off? Does it? Or is it independent of it in its own right, but in specific situations necessary because the monitor needs the computer but the computer does not need the monitor? The computer controls the monitor but who controls the computer? Does the monitor know that it is being controlled? Does the computer know that is it being controlled? Surely there is a network of directions that controls it’s various functions.  Control. What is control? Who is in control? Who controls? What controls control?